back 2 it

I want to make a big return here. I’ve been faced with compounding trepidation thinking of doing so, but I know I need to rip the plaster right off. I got so much joy and satisfaction writing here, sharing my likes and thoughts, as well as a much needed sense of achievement keeping up to a weekly schedule (as minute as that sounds…) I found myself facing a couple issues, however, as my album ‘whole world as vigil’ was released. I felt the crushing self-imposed expectations of having to talk about it here. It’s one thing to be led by interviewers or loose conversation with friends; it’s another to sum up what this means to me in semi-permanent written word. The truth is, I don’t know if I’ll ever have precise enough words to make it concise. It’s hard not to feel so vulnerable about a record you’ve made; not about the quality of the work – that I stand by uncompromisingly – but to really describe what I wanted to say with it felt impossible. I suppose it’s why it is an album, and not an essay, or something I can simply talk about. I could draw up some huge diagram of references and symbols and explain each chord on each song, but I don’t want to strip away the mystique any more than necessary. What I will say is that all those who have written to me about it, who have posted and reviewed it, have meant the world to me. I’ve been shocked by how well some of its themes were picked up, and it tells me that I’ve somewhat succeeded at my job, which, at its core, is making my thoughts intelligible and emotionally resonant. Good one if you can get it.

Secondly, I’m proud to have managed to keep a rather fine line here between the personal and professional, feeling I am open enough to be honest, while keeping to myself what felt private. Recently, however, I have been carrying a looming weight of illness that has made that rope harder to walk. I think in order to kind of free up space, push out a blockage, and feel like I no longer would be lying about a considerable element of my world as I live it, I want to write about it a little. I was, just over a year ago, diagnosed with a brain tumour that acted as an invisible captor holding my entire nervous and hormonal system hostage. I am an extremely proud person, and a British person for my sins, and it’s not really in my nature to complain. But the inability to correctly regulate my sleep, stress, and moods have left me a bit mute. My day-to-day life feels pulled by a current towards the banks of fatigue and generalised anxiety. Before I go I want to say it’s non cancerous, I am in treatment, and I will be fine. But it’s been a strange thing to carry around. It doesn’t sit right with me philosophically either, to imagine so much of what makes me feel like me, what makes me feel happy, could be depleted by lesions in my brain. I am a believer in the soul, you know; it feels offensive that my “me-ness”, my spark, whatever, could be impaired by a mechanical failure in the engine. But here we are. I’m managing rather well, but it feels hard. It is absolutely not lost on me that before the release of ‘the infinite spine’ I also underwent surgery, for a different tumour, in my back and a dislocated disc. I’m faced with a task that feels impossible for someone like me: to not see patterns and symbolic relevance in these things. On the ‘whole world’ press photos, some may have noticed a wound on my brow; that was real, and caused by a fainting fit brought on after the stress of my diagnostic misadventures, which ended in my skull colliding with the porcelain in the bathroom, leaving a rather aesthetically pleasing scar. It does make me laugh somewhat, how intertwined this album and my face have now become. There’s not much more to add to this for now. In the words of Warren Zevon, my shit’s fucked up, but I’m working on it. I think I was also scared to share out of fear I’d get some pity points, or that people might expect less out of me and my shows, which I would DETEST.

Of course I have used all my energy points on touring this record. And overall it’s been amazing. To try to summarise the feeling now is impossible, but it’s been the first time I’ve been able to truly go out and give a record a shot in the real world (we’re not even halfway through the tour technically, though dates are more sporadic until September when we fully hit the road again). I’ve always adored playing live, yet have rarely had the opportunity to do so consistently enough to get into a rhythm. But this time round, being accompanied by a full band, I feel ready to say that the show is great, and intense, and matches the emotional potential I’ve always wanted to put into live music. It’s also become undeniably ROCK, which has been a really gleeful thing to see develop. The reliance on live drums and heavy distorted guitars really brings these tracks into that world; a world I’ve felt at home at since I was a teenager. It’s great to be there. I hope you get to see it, I’ll link dates here:

I’ll keep it at this, as I feel like this is a bit of a load-bearing post, but I hope it can open the door for me to be writing to you all again more. There’s a lot more music to come too.

love,

lauren